I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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