I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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