Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
