Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
