He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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