Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
