So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
