I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
