The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
