i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
