He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My underwear smells like fireworks.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
