the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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