Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
splinters make it hard to masturbate
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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