I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
