Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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