don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
