Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
