Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Randomize
