I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Screwed.edu
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
