k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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