The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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