You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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