Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
