Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Gay?
German.
Pity.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
