when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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