I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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