I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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