I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
