My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
