Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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