I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
