are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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