maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
this just has baby written all over it
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
