sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
