i used baking grease as lip gloss
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
