Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Vodka?
Forever.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
