Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
