Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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