You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
