Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
try to milk me bitch
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