Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
