Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
