My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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