It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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