How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
