So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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