Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
