i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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