the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
