why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
