I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
