everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
