i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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