walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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