the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
