Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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