sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
