News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
