She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
